Most of us don’t look like this.
If you love running, or even just kind of like it, there’s a chance you’ve seen some of the famous “elite” runners. The Kara Gouchers, Deena Kastors, Shalane Flanagans and Mary Keitanys who make the sport look so effortless. As much as we love watching the elites bounding around in all their lean, athletic glory, most of us will have to admit: They do not look like us. We can easily tell because they are wearing as little as possible: There isn’t an ounce of fat hidden by that singlet or those racing briefs.
Elite runners are, obviously, from a different planet. One where smoked Gouda cheese, Ritz Bits, and salted caramel ice cream don’t exist. (I dunno about you, but I’d rather not spend my time in a world where smoked Gouda doesn’t exist.) That is how they achieve thigh gap. We, the normal citizens of planet Earth, do not have thigh gap.
And yet, for some reason, we normal citizens are marketed those little tiny shorts that elite runners wear. As though they are of any use in a world graced by smoked Gouda. As though the pretty colors and the whisper-light material could possibly distract us from the bunching and riding up when we try to run in them. Not to mention the SWEATY BURNING HORRIBLENESS, followed by SUPER SERIOUS INNER THIGH CHAFING, and the SEVERE REGRET.
Steel yourselves against the temptation to buy those shorts, running friends. (And to the 100% of you who have already experienced the pain, resist the urge to burn the shorts. I’m pretty sure they’re made of petroleum products and the smoke will kill wildlife.)
It’s time to accept that our thighs touch each other, and I for one am done feeling vaguely dissatisfied with this condition. Can we all just take a short break from analyzing and criticizing our bodies?
Take a deep breath. Breathe in. . . . and ouuut. . . and say to ourselves:
My thighs touch
And that’s okay.
Need proof? I will give you three solid reasons it’s okay not to have thigh gap.
1. Marilyn Monroe’s thighs had no gap. They were ALL UP ON EACH OTHER. And I think we can all agree she was one foxy lady.
2. A runner’s body is a functional, ever-changing machine. Each time we challenge our muscles, our bodies build them up – stronger, better, ready to kick all the ass. Our bodies are not the passive, decorative objects people who worry about thigh gap aspire to. Our bodies DO STUFF.
3. Spandex is where it’s at. Have you ever pulled on a pair of stretchy, slippery capri pants before a run? Your legs can pass each other FASTER because there is a complete lack of friction between your legs! Let us all thank the creators of spandex. Hooray, science!
In conclusion: Smoked Gouda cheese is good, shorts that cause chafing are bad, and spandex is the woven material of the chosen people. Go forth and get thyself some Stretchy, Slippery Capris!
(You can thank me later.)
This page contains an affiliate link, which means I receive a small commission (at no cost to you) when you purchase an item after clicking the link. I only link to stuff I actually believe is useful, so if you see a pair of jorts, you have full rights to tease me about that.